Dr. Shaw's blog/column

Good morning everybody!

Dr. Kimberly Shaw is back in the building! Listen up, from now on we all follow my rules. I'm not Amanda. The filthy, husband-stealing bitch who took over D&D, but this board will be mine sooner or later - I start with taking over this part. Don't you just love the smell of sulfur in the morning?

Welcome to my world. Ask the doctor a question. . . you can ask me private questions about my personal life, but I prefer it we keep it strictly business. Why is your baby coughing up the food you're feeding it with? Your stomach feels achy? C'mon up with the questions. . . you can be anonymous, but you get a discount if you let me know who you are

Spoiler:

. Hahahaha!

You might want me to prescribe some anti depressive-pills for you? You poor little thing, of course I'll do, but only during business hours. I will patiently wait for your questions to drop on in and I promise I will answer as best as I can, you don't get a more professional doctor than Dr. Shaw! I am a psychiatrist as well as I handle scalpels very good! Don't worry, you can trust Dr. Shaw! Only that philandering bastard Mancini (he can go to hell!) gives penicillin to allergic patients!

Well, I have to get back to rounds - those patients depending on me...!

Sincerely,
Dr. Kimberly Shaw

Professional doctor

Welcome back Dr. Shaw! Not The Doctor here

You have been missed around here, Doctor. You took over the original bitching board, and now I see you've arrived here...you were responsible for much destruction over there, and I have a feeling you will be hearing from some of your former neighbors here too..

BTW I have a question for you, doctor. If you were Mad at your husband, would you A) Confront him, B) Cheat on him or C) Dress up as someone else and run him over with your car?? The answer is C, right??

Again I suspect you will be hearing from other residents soon, now that they are aware you are here...

Hi there sweetie!

You remind me of a patient of mine. Who by the way just recently turned 28. That poor little thing has been my patient for years. She used to try to pull my hair every time I saw her, like she was imagining herself I was wearing a wig. Crazy isn't it, not that I can reveal any name, you know it's strictly confidential! Hahaha!

The answer to your question is of course C. Who wouldn't make a cheating husband reject the infidelity he made. But that wouldn't be right, right? We do got morals, right? I hit my ex-husband with a hammer once, but don't tell anyone will you??

It's finally Friday, that's my favorite day of the week. Every Friday I dish up a delicious meal for supper. I always use my colorful collection of tupperware. I used to host tupperware parties a few years ago, when my medical license got suspended - look how I'm ranting. I said I wouldn't talk about my personal life, didn't I?

Yes I caused a lot of action during the time of the old bitching board, not to blame those former neighbors of mine, but they deserved all the shit considering what they let me go through. Bad memories.

Well my fellow people, kind of disappointed that nobody wanted any professional advice. I'll give you losers one week more. You do know I get paid to do this, don't you? You don't think I did this out of charity - only if I had an ulterior motive. . . .

Well I'm off to lunch, meeting up with Dr. Schulman. Finally I'm working with that woman - she's so much like me - I know she could be me!

And to all you women out there, don't let your philandering husbands get away with it you should never be a victim anymore!

Have a wonderful weekend, and don't do anything I wouldn't! Haha!

Dr. Shaw:

So we find each other again....

I know we never corresponded much before all the shit that happened in the past few years. But my issues with you always go back to the fact that you said you had nothing against me, a recovering alcoholic, yet you picked my freaking apartment to put one of your bombs in...why because I lived next to Matt?? Please, why the hell not just place the bomb in his place than??

Yes, what happened was years ago now, I know, but I guess I just don't forgive and forget like some other people in the building have..your public apology at the building I guess wasn't enough.

Its a Friday night and I'm about to head over to Shooters and I hope the bartender over there doesn't get pissy w/ me after I get past my third of fourth martini, I mean I get so tired of people giving me a hard time after one drink, so it was a pitcher of Vodka...I just wanted to get a few things off my chest to you..

Like w/ many of the others, you pretended to be my friend only to get what you wanted out of me...Jo's baby, (not that I helped that situation either), Micheal from Jane or Sydney, and the list goes on..

It makes me vomit that you are here offering advice to people under some kind of pretense that you actually care. Like you even admitted you don't do anything out of charity and you ALWAYS have an ulterior motive..

Before you claim that I'm stuck in the past for not forgiving you for blowing me up, but I think you're still pissed because I'm the one who blew the lid on your little affair w/ Michael all those years ago..

Well, its time to go get my weekend started, btw YOU don't think I have a drinking problem, doctor, do you?

Alison Parker~ Still receptionist extraordinaire after all these years!

Alison!

Welcome! I see you're still upset after all these years. How ungrateful of you to still be so bitter and disgraceful. You should be very glad that you got your sight back, and you do perfectly know that I was very ill back then - but I recovered and now I am a strong and independent doctor and psychiatrist.

If you send me a private IM I will be very happy to book you an appointment within my tight schedule, you see I am professional and since you're an old friend I will spare some time for you. Heck, I'll even give you the first appointment for free!

As for whether you have a drinking problem or not, it looks like you still have a slight problem, but there's nothing wrong with a few martinis on a Friday night as long as we don't do them on every week night! I am quite fond of a bottle of Chardonnay myself on a Friday night after a long and exhausting week of work.

This week the doctor has gone in deep! I helped saving a kid. We performed an appendectomy, it felt so good. I am paying his parents a visit tomorrow, don't tell the chief of staff, but I threatened them to do a few favors of mine. . .

Funny I heard old Peter found out he had a baby and that bitch Amanda got pissed so she broke off their 50th engagement or so, if only I knew him back then when he had that baby. You know I'm so kind with small babies, I just love 'em!

P.S. Alison I blew up Matt's apartment as well, your's was just convenient because it was between the laundry room and Matt's - under Amanda's....

Looking forward to hearing from you soon!

Sincerely,
Dr. Kimberly Shaw

Professional doctor/psychiatrist

Dr. Shaw,

You and I never really crossed paths before. Sure, you came into Shooters once in a while. And I saw you in the hospital after my dumb ass brother hired that guy to try to kill me, but that's about it. Anyways, I know some of the others in the building may have had a probelm with you, but I never did. And I don't intend to judge you for something you did, cause God knows we all make mistakes.

Anyways, seeing as how you're one of the few women who lived in the building that I never slept with, perhaps you can offer me some totally unbiased advice. I mean hell, you were a shrink to Sydney for God sakes, so what can it hurt with me, right?

So, I'm trying to figgure out exactly what my problem is with finding the right woman. I mean first there was this girl from high school named Kelly who I had to blow off cause she was too young. Then there was Sandy who everytime things got dramatic, she lost her sexy southern accent, and that was just too much for me to bear. Then there was Jo who I really thought was the love of my life, but she always seemed to hold it against me that I beat up her refrigerator out of anger. Amanda, I mean all I did was get her father arrested and leave her for some boat lady who kind of ressembles that Sports Illustrated Swim Suit model, who by the way tried to blow me up. Which I might add she's kind of an amatuer to blowing things up compared to you. I mean she only blew up the pretty lady where as you took out half the apartment complex. You have her beat by a mile.

Moving on, then there was Sydney who I gave a job too and she repaid me back by skipping town to Vegas with Crocodile Dundee. So I tried her sister Jane for a while and like sister she decided she'd rather be with some guy who raped her than with me. Finally there's Allison, who stuck by me despite the fact that I went to her job and trashed her office. Even got married to her. But once she hit that bottle, I just couldn't deal with it. So I figgured I would be better off to have my former girlfriend who kept me in the dark about having a son for years move in with me. I mean what guy wouldn't want an old girlfriend who left him years ago and never told him she had a kid that was his, right?

So Dr. Shaw, here I am all these years later running a burger joing in Ojai all by myself. And I have to ask you, are you noticing a patter here? Are women only attracted to me when I lose my temper and start throwing things around? Because that's what it seems like. I mean were you more attracted to Michael when he was acting all nice and sweet to you. Or was it when he was being a cold hearted bastard that you got really turned on?

I'm getting older now and I'm starting to believe that all women are crazy or I'm just an idiot. Which is it?

By the way, if you ever feel like meeting up somewhere for a beer, I've been told that I have a real nack for listening to other people's problems. Too bad I'm not as good at solving my own romantic dilemnas.

Sincerly,
Jake Hansen
- permanant jack of all trades

Dr. Shaw...

Upset, of course, yes, I am upset..ungrateful for WHAT? I should be grateful that you almost killed me and blew up my apartment?? As for being very ill and recovered now, we both know you still have your moments of insanity, same I have my times of falling off the wagon..you'll always be a psycho just like I'll always be alcoholic...

I've been to a therapist or two before as well as rehab, but what makes you think I'd want an appointment with you? I know it didn't go well when I went to a male therapist, so I have thought about trying a woman, but certainly not you...

Well I agree with you on one thing, there's nothing wrong w/ some Martini's on a Friday night, in fact I think I will head to Shooters now for one, wait it's only Monday, dammit, but Monday's are a bitch so I think I need one, and come to think it years ago Monday was my drinking night

I am up to my neck in accounts to go over in the morning for Amanda, but I just wanted a short message to let you know I only wanted to basically tell you may be getting other residents as patients, and while we may have no choice but interact more than we used to, but I have no intention of ever being your patient, and I imagine Jane and Jo feel the same (you maybe hearing from them shortly)

Eh, yes Amanda and Peter and the baby situation, I heard about it through the courtyard grapevine. I might be pissed as well, at least this is an adult and not a baby, keep in mind before you get any ideas again..I know you obviously always wanted a kid, even to the point of obsession, but I never really wanted to be mother anyway, never felt equipped for it, and don't think I could've handled it, in the end I think its a blessing I cannot have children, and God knows its a good thing you cannot, either...

Well better getting to reviewing these accounts, Amanda wants them first thing in the morning, and I guess we'll be seeing each other around..

Alison Parker
Receptionist Extraordinaire..

Alison. Jake.

First of all you two little mosquitos make this very personal. I am here on a professional level, my aim is to help people get their answers or advice in the medical world.

Anyway, I'm going to try to answer you both as well as possible.

Jake, it's true we never did interact much over the years, I just didn't find you attractive. Violent men don't do it for me. I just can't believe you abused Jo like that. And you wonder why all your women left you? And I must say, you have very bad taste in women! Sydney! Huh, of course that little tramp ran off with the money (or at least she thought it was so). You need to settle with a more down to earth woman, I never met the mother of your child so I can't speak for her, but seriously. Jo! The woman couldn't even take care of her own baby, even I had to babysit it for a few weeks. Jane was just incredible evil to you and left you out in the cold. Alison, who claims to be a reformed alcoholic, a neurotic, ego-maniac who killed your child, what did you think there?? And Amanda, do I need to say more! I hate to break it to you, but you were too boring for all those women, as I said you need a more calm woman. One who wants to settle with you and that burger joint you run or what it's called. I'll meet you up for a beer, or maybe a chardonnay if it's on you, but no sex alright? My days as nymphomania was over a long time ago. I was just going through a phase. Just ask Peter, Dr. Burns I mean. If not Rita decides to show up though. . .

P.S. Thanks for the compliment! About the bomb I mean

Alison, you're making this way too personal. I agree with Amanda on one thing, that you're a whining, complaining sad sock- it smells! Have you ever tried Prozac? I'll be happy to prescribe some to you. Did you know that they mix well with alcohol? You should seriously try it, doctor's order!
Don't let Amanda wear you out, do you know how many people who has to report sick due to stress related work places? Tell Amanda to calm down herself, or else that blond bitch might end up like she did when she lost D&D!
You got me curious when you mentioned other residents. Please, don't tell them about this blog. I left those people behind me, I don't need more of them to come around here and rip up bad memories from the past. I never felt so good as now, you should be ashamed of yourself for even claiming that I am a psychotic. In the medical world it is called temporarily insanity and I was declared well. How dare you say it's a good thing I can't have children, and how dare you say that out in public. It's personal! And for your information, I've moved on years ago - I'm not feeling sorry for myself, like a sappy little girl like you do. I'm 44 years old, I don't want children - there's no room for kids in my life. Now if you'll excuse me I'm done taking insults and personal attacks from you two. From now on it's strictly medical questions!

Oh, that was my beeper! They want me in the OR. Apparently an emergency operation, a kidney transplantation! Damn my heard hurts, I keep forgetting were I put those painkillers...

Sincerely,
Dr. Kimberly Shaw

Professional doctor/psychiatrist

Would you trust me to operate on you?

Dr. Shaw,

Forgive me if it sounded like I was making things personal. That was never my intention. But I'm sure you're well aware that the line that seperates professional and personal gets crossed so much in today's world that it often gets wiped away.

See, the way I see things, our jobs may be very different, but we both get the same kind of customers. Those who come to us to bitch and moan about all their problems and then they expect us to give them some kind of magic potion, whether it's perscription medication or a shot of Jack Daniels, and that's somehow suppose to make everything better. Well you and I both know that life just doesn't work that way, don't we?

I'm actually quite relieved that you never found me attractive. I've heard through the grape vine what you do to the men you are attracted too. Again, not that I'm passing judgement. See, I just got tired of being treated like a piece of meat. It got old after a while. You say that I need to find a more down to earth woman? Well i always thought Jo was pretty down to earth, but unlike you, she actually did seem to be attracted to violent men. To be honest, Dr. Shaw, I'm starting to believe that normal down to earth women don't exist anymore.

So about that drink, you just let me know when. And sure, it's on me. And I'll make you deal. I won't even discuss the topic of sex as long as you don't stick a tranquilizer in my leg and drag me off to have a labotomy.

Sincerly,
Jake Hansen
permanent jack of all trades

Thank you, Jake.

My neck is so sore. I could really need a massage. Will you be a gentleman or are you going to be a jackass all the time?

My ex-husband ran into me in the hospital corridor today. We hadn't spoke in a long time, luckily we work on different wings of the hospital or else we might end up as patients - both of us. Gee, after all these years that asshole still makes me angry. Okay, so I faked my death - twice, but my mother, Marion, told him I was alive so what's the big deal? I just wanted to get away from every thing and get a fresh start after I battled cancer. He was happy with Megan with whom he cheated on me with, although that was partly my fault. My point: The bastard cheated on me, that's why I left.

Shit! Dinner is ready, gotta pull out the pizza from the oven before it gets burned. Damn, I thought I had more time. I still haven't answered all the medical questions I received this week. Thank you guys, help will be there right soon. Meanwhile take a chill pill! Haha!

Hello everybody! I'm back again. Went do dinner with Dr. Tyler tonight. He seems into me, but I don't know, it may be the chardonnays too haha. Well, that's enough about my personal life for know.

The doctor wants to help! I received so many letters and e-mails! Four of them you can read further down below:

Hi Dr. Shaw. I had unprotected sex a few weeks ago and now I lost my period. I hope I'm not pregnant because I'm too young to have a child. What can I do? Can you give me advice?
Sylvia, Cleveland, OH.

Hello Sylvia. Don't be afraid, Sylvia! If you had sex with a woman you have nothing to worry about. A man though, you dirty little skank. You may be eating for two. If you start to feel sick during mornings in a couple of weeks, you are pregnant. But relax, put on the Aquemini album by Outkast and breath in, breath out. Feel the flow of rapper Big Boi as you pick up that phone and call your doctor. Either get an abortion or give the baby to me when you pop. I promise I will take care of your baby.
Sincerely Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

Dear Dr. Shaw. I am a 22 year old guy. I'm currently in college. There's a lot of partying, even on week nights. Suffice to say it shows on my grades, could you give me an advice now that exams are coming up?
Xavier, Shawille, Minn.

Dear Xavier. First of all, try to lay off partying now. You can do that come Christmas. When I went to medical school I did my portion of partying. I remember studying before an exam until 7 am in the morning. One hour before the exam began! If you really feel exhausted and stressed about the tests, why not prevent them? Set fire of the school for instance, or sneak into the professor's office, look for that stupid test and make a copy of it. I slept with my professor, that saved my grade. Highly recommended if your professor is a woman! By the way I love the name of your town! Good luck!
Sincerely Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

Dr. Shaw. I need help. I am a married woman. To make a long story short, I have slept with another man for two months. I sleep with both of them, but earlier this week I discovered some red spots down there... you know. What kind of virus is this? Now I avoid sex with both of them, worried my husband will find out I cheated on him and my lover will get pissed if I he's fine and I might infect him with this. I'm really freaking out about this! Please help me, I'm desperate!!
Vanessa, Chicago, IL

Oh boy oh boy, Vanessa! You've cornered yourself, haven't you? It sounds like you have herpes you poor little thing. Go get yourself tested immediately, then find out who of your men who infected you and get a kitchen knife... sorry, forget I said that last. You should continue to have sex with the bastard who infected you and leave the other behind. You might get itchy, but your local doctor should prescribe a cream for you and then further medical tests should be made. Herpes is never fun, just ask Dr. Mancini!

Bon jour Dr. Shaw! Since you're a psychiatrist I hope you can help me with this. I am 25. For over a decade now I have been obsessed with a female actress. She's the sweetest little thing in the world. I am getting worried though. I find myself talking to myself (her) in the mirror, I write tons of letters and keep calling her agent weekly. I have wallpapered my entire apartment with pictures of her. And I even found myself at the airport almost getting on a plane to Los Angeles. What can I do? I can't sleep!
Thomas, Paris, France.

Thomas, don't be afraid! I know all about stalking and obsessing. First of all who is this actress? Heather Locklear? No, she's too old for you. I bet we're talking about Lindsay Lohan here. You should be glad you live in France, it's far away from Los Angeles. Makes it harder for you to lurk in her bushes. Anyway, your question was a little confusing. Do you want help to stop obsessing about her or do you want advice in stalking? At least go put on an album of Outkast. Breath in, breath out - relax and feel the anger go down as the flow go through your ears. Look in the mirror. Do you see Lindsay there? Okay, now throw an item into the mirror to break it. There, you think you're rid of the problem. But you're not, Lindsay won't go away before you get on that plane to L.A. Find her house and put on a black trench coat and gloves. Wait until it's dark, when that bitch appears outside her house drunk or high she should be an easy target. Good luck!
Sincerely, Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

Well that was all for this week. Finally, getting relevant questions is so much fun. If YOU got some symptoms you worry about don't hesitate to ask! The doctor will be back. Well Jake, when will we have that drink? It's Saturday night, Dr. Tyler didn't want to take me home so I am available. . .

Sincerely Dr. Kimberly Shaw
Professional doctor/psychiatrist

Would you trust me to operate on you?

Hi everyone!

Just letting ya'll know that the doctor will not be in for the rest of the week. I'm going to Cleveland for Christmas this year. Dr. Cooper has invited me, we will be playing sort of a role playing game were I will pretend to be in coma again. He gets so turned on by that. Lexi if you read this, don't get jealous - lol!

Meanwhile have a happy holiday everyone! Here's my favorite holiday memory, it's from Michael Mancini's private home videos. Enjoy!


It always gets me in the right Christmas spirit! ;-)

Merry Christmas Dr. Shaw! And to everyone here at the bitching board, and here's wish you all a bitching 2012 as we celebrate 20 years of MP this year!

Merry Christmas Dr. Shaw! Thank you for sharing your expertise w/ us here, And to everyone here at the bitching board, and here's wish you all a bitching 2012 as we celebrate 20 years of MP this year!

Happy New Year everyone! I bet y'all missed me, huh? I know I have neglected my duties here on the board, you patients depending on me. Therefore I will make it up to all of you. FREE Xanax for everyone! Just message me and I'll make a free prescription with NO commitment! It's been really busy in the beginning of this new year. As you know I went to Cleveland to spend Christmas with Dr. Cooper. That bastard actually drugged me down to make the role playing game more realistic. He kept me in his apartment for entire January. I ought to press charges, but then my not so clean slate would pop up and I don't think so now... Finally I managed to escape and now I'm back safely in L.A.

So you heard (calm voice) our dear Whitney passed away, see this is how you end up with all those pills. So be carefull with the free Xanax people! Do not take more than up to 10 pills a night! (Like our beloved Jacko!) It's not like Jesus juice where you can drink and drink (according to Alison) without any consequences! I actually met Whitney in the hospital once. One of her doctors worked at Wilshire and Whitney decided it was more discreet than famous Cedar Sinai (the one every celebrity uses) and I was so lucky to meet her in the cafeteria. She mixed her coffee with pills to make it a strong cocktail. She asked me for advice and I was so flattered that I had to return the favor in an exchange for a photo and an autograph.

Well, I have lots of questions to answer sent in by you guys. I promise I will post my advices real soon. You don't want to be kept on the bench for too long, would you? The annoying itching on your secret place has been going on for too long, right? Luckily I only have a tattoo on a secret place - do you remember what it is?

(Sexy voice) Unfortunately our time is up, once again this is Kimberly Shaw, I thank you for joining me and remember when you wanna reach someone - usually all you have to do... is touch them..... (licks her lips).

Good evening everybody!

This is Dr. Kimberly Shaw, professional MD, psychiatrist and always loyal to the customer in this case the patients. Are we having a nice Sunday? I went for a walk earlier today and there was this woman who stopped up talking to me she said: "Why aren't you on the radio again, I loved you back then." That really warmed my heart. I did had a brief career in radio. I gave love advice and acted out on sex, but then came a psycho around and that career ended abruptly. So although my life is really busy these days it got me thinking: This is something I'm talented at, I was really good on the air - that Dr. Shaw can get back on the air and help losers. Before you know it, you might hear me when you turn that radio on again!

Hi there Dr. Shaw. I suspect my boyfriend is cheating on me, what should I do?
Melissa, Boston, Mass.

Dear Melissa, I've got hundreds of questions similar to yours. First of all in these modern times check his cellphone for suspicious messages and calls. Does he attend suspiciously appointments or leave abruptly? I suggest you follow him around, discreetly. Once you find out - you ruin the bastards life! I faked an assault and sent the bastard in jail! And don't let the whore get away either, you start to stalk her - paint DIE BITCH on her car or something similar to make you point!!!
Sincerely Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

Dr. Shaw! It's an honor to write you, can you tell me more about being a doctor and how can I get into a medical education? Thanks for you answer in advance!
Antwon, New York

Antwon, don't be afraid! I suspect you're a gang banger by your name? It's not too late to get out of that life and into a straight direction. You don't tell me if you've ever been shot, but assuming so you should know a little about hospitals and practices already. First of all you need a high school diploma and you have to be a calm person. Strong mentally and hard working. Your degrees has to be quite good, but you can avoid that by sleeping with or threatening the right people. Don't forget the six years in medical school. Good luck!
Sincerely, Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

Hi Kimberly. I'm so fucking mad. I was looking forward to it myself, but then my fucking mother came around and ruined everything. She's like stalking me, how can I fucking get rid off that cunt?
Marty, Huntington Beach, CA

Marty are you high? It's Dr. Shaw to you buster! And that language! No need to curse! You come off so confused. First of all you don't tell me how old you are or what you're looking forward to or if you're a girl or a boy. So I can only assume. But you want to get rid off your mother. Trust me I've been there. We all want that at times. But seriously, if there's no way out, the bitch won't leave you alone I suggest you get hold of a blowtorch. Then on a casual day, when she doesn't expect anything you burn her face! You sit by the dinner table and you torch her face, before she gets to react! That should get the stuck up bitch to leave you alone, at least for a while...
Sincerely Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

Dear Dr. Shaw. My name is Howard. I'm 31, unemployed and I use to pull out during sex. Can't afford rubber, now I'm worried - I suspect my girlfriend is pregnant. Should I have the baby?
Howard, Miami, Fla.

No Howard! Absolutely no! You're clearly not ready for a baby, neither you or your girlfriend. Find out if she's pregnant immediately. The greatest thing is to have a miracle baby but not under these circumstances. You don't tell me if she's unemployed as well, but I guess so since you can't afford protection. You say you pull out, but sometimes things are dripping in there - definitely! It's unsafe. Find out if your girl is pregnant if she is, know that there is hope! Contact me and I will help you - I am experienced with kids and will be more than helpful. . .
Sincerely Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

How times flies when you're having fun. Our time is up again. Once again this is Dr. Kimberly Shaw, I thank you for joining me and when you need that little extra sparkle in bed don't forget to try Scrabble. I leave you with a recent picture of me. I photo shopped a little as you can see. Until next time, know thy enemy....

Dr Shaw:

While I don't have a particular question/problem for you, I just wanted to say how lovely it has been to have you offering your humorous and insightful solutions to others problems. It ashame you weren't able to do more for Whitney, clearly you could see the poor dear was on a downward spiral, and was in a relationship with someone who clearly was dragging her down and while they were in love, they seemed to also to bring out the worst in each other, and certainly you can relate! Anyway, I hope you continue to bring your words of wisdom here!

-Not The Doctor Kim...
BTW, thanks for stealing my name, it WAS mine first, you know

Well thank you, Kim. You say you don't have any questions for me, but that is alright. I bet you have your problems like everybody else - don't worry Dr. Shaw can help you! Let me know what pills I can prescribe to you? I'm glad you appreciate my presence. Tell your friend here, Alison, that I will throw a cocktail party next Friday and if she wants to join she's welcome. I'd love to catch a word or two with her after she practically attacked me here on my own site. I'd love to see if she's as tough face-to-face hahaha! OK, I didn't really know Withney Houston - I just met her once at the hospital and as I explained earlier I made a deal with her in exchange for a photo and autograph, that poor little thing... So, do you think I should get back in the radio?

Sincerely Dr. Kimberly Shaw

P.S. I did not take your name, you tell me you're 28 so that makes you younger than me doesn't it? Maybe your parents were in high school with me, some old friends I'd forgot about or something since they named you after me?

Oh, got to go. The alarm went, some emergency I gotta attend. Hope it's not another appendicitis? They say the patient is allergic to penicillin! Gotta run!

Gee, what a weekend it has been! I'm still hungover from that awesome cocktail party on Friday, but that's not the worst - the worst is the guilt! Don't you think I woke up in bed with my ex husband on Saturday morning? I totally didn't see that coming, of course I threw that bastard out the doors even without his clothes - that for taking advantage of me! Well what can I say, I like my chardonnay but I suspect someone drugged me because I partly blacked out and I can't recall drinking too much - only 2 bottles of chardonnay?! Dr. Shaw never loses control, Dr. Shaw hates to lose control! Dr. Shaw is always in control, so calm and unpredictable! Otherwise it's been an awesome weekend. Now people I shared a secret event on my personal life with you people - I hope you're satisfied, because this is a medical blog and not a gossip blog about my life, now Dr. Shaw has to get a grip and act professional - I won't jeopardize my job. The chief of staff can be ruthless at times, so he better not see this - so don't get any ideas if any of you try to blackmail you WILL regret it - hereby you're warned!

Sincerely Dr. Kimberly Shaw
Professional doctor

Who's swatchdogg? Come back from your hiding spot! I don't like spies on my board.
Well it's been a ridiculous week after Easter (which I naturally spent at work) I had some time off and took off to Mexico for some bull riding and tequila. Can you guys imagine that? Well that horrible man in the mirror told me to so I went and I did and it was hilarious. I also smuggled 7 kilos of heroin across the border and I'm going to start dealing come the upcoming weekend. I have some desperate clients in the hospital who's more than willing to help me out!

Okay guys, over to this editions Q&As:

Kimberly, it's me again. Thank you for your advice from last edition, unfortunately it's too late. Lyla is pregnant and we just don't know what to do. We barely can afford to take care of ourselves. I left you my phone number in a private message, please call me!
Howard, Miami, Fla.

Hello again Howard. First of all I prefer to be called Dr. Shaw when I am at work and we're not friends are we? What gives you the right to call me Kimberly? You make me so angry I could scream! I need a minute to calm down...
Sorry about that earlier. I tried to call you earlier today but there was no answer. I guess the phone company has shut you down? As I was ironing my underwear earlier it got me thinking about the situation. I have 7 kilos of heroin I need to get out to the market, maybe you would be willing to earn some money? Would you be willing to come over to LA? It would help you a lot financially...
Sincerely Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

Dear Dr. Shaw. Jennifer here. I'm a senior in high school and you know the pressure, right? It's all about being popular and interesting. I'm currently on second place of being the most popular gal and it's only a month before we graduate. I need advice, how can I whip off the most popular, Linda, and take her spot?
Jennifer, Atlanta, Ga.

Well the most obvious Jennifer is to stab her.... I mean backstab her! By pretending to be innocent and not interesting. I've never personally liked the most popular, she's usually a bitch, right? But you have to be even more of a bitch and the way to get her is to steal her boyfriend and turn her friends against her and onto your side. The easiest way to do that is to set her up one friend at a time, but you gotta hurry since you only have weeks left. Steal Linda's cellphone and dig up all the dirt you can get and spread secret messages from her phone around the entire school or make a sex tape! Then you can blackmail her for whatever you want - if nothing else works, the first suggestion is the only option. Remember high school is your most important time of your life. Even if that means you have to spend the rest of your life in prison!
Sincerely Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

Hello Dr. Shaw! It's a pleasure to write you. Martin here. At 28 I've been smoking weed since high school. I love that smell and getting high. Lately though, my throat has been really soar and I begin to worry if all the smoking could be the reason. It won't go away and some times I cough for hours I can barely breath. Please help!
Martin, Newark, NJ.

Martin whoa! I had to clear my throat just reading this! Haha! I suggest you pay your local doctor a visit immediately. Sorry to say but this could be real serious. I don't want to scare you, but lung cancer, jugular cancer? You don't mention if you cough up blood but get to that doctor asap! Don't you know how stupid weed smoking is? Anyway since you've been a regular weed smoker for over a decade I suggest you move onto something stronger by now. Speed or crystal meth should do the work, you surely can't get as high as you did in high school by the weed anymore? Drop the smoking, be nice to your throat and move on to suggested drugs - that's the best advice I can get you!
Sincerely Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

Big fan in China here doctor! My name is Zhoang Wei Li. I'm a 21 year old girl from Shanghai. I've been secretly learning English as my family would kill me if they found out. I work at a factory earning minimum wage; producing Levi's jeans for nothing. I need to get away from here and earn more money. I have no future at this factory.
Zhoang, Shanghai, China

You poor little thing! I am sorry Zhoang, but how exactly could I help you? I am proud of you though for risking your life by learning English just to get in touch with me. I am surprised you even know of me. You want me to help you come to America? Is that what you're suggesting? Well I managed pretty easily to smuggle heroin from Mexico last week, so you shouldn't be any harder, right? The question is though, what could I GAIN from this? I am sorry honey, but only if you could get me one of those pretty little Chinese babies....
Sincerely Dr. Kimberly Shaw.

Well that's it for this time! I hope you all learned something from this. There are so many poor people who's just on the wrong path in their lives. We all have problems, right? Even I, Dr. Shaw do get in trouble some times. Like when suddenly someone else appear on my credit card or in my mirror - FREAKY!

It happened again, that's why I've been absent for so long. Someone else appeared on my credit card. I don't know for how long I've been away, but the last few months feels like a big empty hole. What happened? It freaks my out and no one should see Dr. Shaw as vulnerable as this. I found a lot of leather clothes in my closet and CDs of black metal and some other kinky stuff that I can't mention here. Rita hasn't been with me for several years. Dr. Burns promised me the last time I saw him that she would be gone for good! I swear to God if that moron tricked me again he'll have to pay for it! I guess being my own therapist should do it, I only trust myself and since I am professional I better treat myself. . .

Fall is here and Dr. Shaw knows that many of you become depressed at this time of the year. It's getting colder and darker and in general people are more down during this time of the year. If you need help, don't hesitate to contact me. Dr. Shaw will be at your service! Just don't request too many answers about children and babies - I can't stand those little rats! Well I gotta run, they say there's a Mexican woman giving birth to a baby in the hospital. I make a little extra by selling babies given birth to by illegal immigrants at the black market. Don't tell anyone or I'll burn your face until it matches the color of your fucking hair!

Sincerely Dr. Kimberly Shaw
Professional psychiatrist